11.18.2009

11.15.2009

apology

movita got a nice letter a few weeks ago. It was from a woman that she met when she lived in Fredericton. movita will call her Charlotte (mostly because that's her name). If you haven't been there, movita isn't gunna lie - Fredericton sucks ass. It really helped to have someone like Charlotte around. Charlotte is totally smart just like movita, so she doesn't live there anymore. Now Charlotte lives with cowboys and has reproduced.

I was perusing your blog today and have decided that you must put together a publication of your musings. They're being wasted being just sent out into the internet void. Too entertaining and you would be better served by putting them in a book format and charging a ridiculous fee to those who want to read it. Also... I am sincerely sorry for the existence of my stroller.

movita was very happy. Finally someone has apologized for reproducing. And movita has decided to accept Charlotte's apology. Because it's not really her fault babies can't walk.

11.01.2009

happy blogiversary

movita has been writing to you for five years. Not much has changed and everything has changed. The best part is that her friends and family haven't deserted her yet and that she has found the perfect boy to plan her future with.

Oh, and that The Rutherfords keep coming back for more.

10.22.2009

le deuxième bébé de movita

movita is having another baby. As with the last, she is entrusting its care to Adopamop and Isa in France. They've done a bang up job with Lucy 2.0, so she figures Oscar 1.0 will be in good hands.

movita is very excited indeed.

10.17.2009

in defense of mr. white

The saga of effie, niles and ebony continues. ebony still hates effie and niles, and movita and 2.0 still wake to the sounds of cat melees in the night. movita has requested that 2.0 be patient with ebony, for she is old, violent and likes to barf on our carpets when she's particularly pissed at us. But 2.0 gets especially upset when ebony puts the beats on niles, his new BFF.

Earlier this week 2.0 and movita woke to the sounds of ebony chasing niles down the stairs.

2.0: ebony! Cut it out! (pausing and turning to face movita) She's gunna get a swat.
movita: But she's small. And getting old. And you could hurt her. And she could kill me in my sleep.
2.0: But she has to learn. She shouldn't be so mean to Mr. White.
movita: Yes, but you should scold her when she behaves badly. And you have to scold her as soon as she misbehaves, not later. Otherwise she won't understand. Also, his name is niles, not Mr. White.
2.0: Okay, I promise I won't swat her. Even though she deserves it. And I think we should change his name to Mr. White.
movita: Thank you. And no.

Later movita could hear a ruckus down in the kitchen. A series of hisses followed by the skidding of cat paws. And movita could hear 2.0 yelling, "you are being scolded! You are being scolded! YOU ARE BEING SCOLDED!"
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10.12.2009

Pumpkin Carve-Off 2009

Yup. It's that time of year again. Pumpkin Carve-Off 2009. It was determined that this year's panel of judges be comprised of each competitor's mother plus Grasshopper.

movita and 2.0 had just begun making plans for this year's face-off when they received the call to compete. 2.0 was a little alarmed. "But it's Thanksgiving! Aren't we supposed to do this at the end of the month? We haven't planned properly." movita explained the situation. "The Rutherfords have reproduced. This means everything is screwed up. That's why we should never have a baby."
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Pumpkins were purchased on the fly, and the competition began. 2.0 and movita were feeling pretty good about their under-planned pumpkin until 2.0 pointed out that the mouth kinda looked like it was spelling out "WOW." In fact, Rosie Beaucoup would later email: "This judge requires a closer shot of the O in WOW as the motifs are not highly visible in the current photos." This didn't bode well. The "O" was a gourd. A gourd with blood streaming down its head.

The first vote rolled in from Mrs. Rutherford's mother. She voted for The Rutherford pumpkin. The second arrived from Mr. Rutherford's mother, and was another cast in favour of the cat.
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Then a pair of rogue votes arrived via Hagley:
Two votes from Toronto. H and her pumpkin expert friend L say Yay! to the cannibal pumpkin. While we admire the execution of the cat and the moon-like silhouette behind it, we feel a pumpkin eating a pumpkin is all kinds of awesome and the authentic expression on the little pumpkin's face all kinds of tragic.

Sadly, these votes did not count.

Then Rosie Beaucoup voted for movita's pumpkin - mostly because The Rutherford pumpkin was boring and because she made movita cry at Thanksgiving dinner.

Then Grasshopper weighed in. With a lot of extra information.

Hello all,

Hallowe’en is a very special time of the year for me, being a pagan and a blossoming diabetic. So I especially cherish the tradition of the “Jack O’ Lantern,” a masterful art form, transforming disgusting, barely-edible vegetables into beacons for curious children and warnings to demons/women. So, while I’m proud to see you again tackle pumpkins with knives and wits, you both fail on many levels.

PUMPKIN A (The cannibal): It was an idea, that much I’ll grant you. The notion of a pumpkin eating a sentient creature is alarming, so points for that, but the edible creature feels like a tack-on, bearing no details or even affecting the creature that’s supposed be eating it. This could have been rectified by having the mouth of the cannibal stretched higher, with the eyes and nose tilted back, giving a more distorted presentation. The eyebrows are another sad mistake. Basic chunks, haphazardly and uncreatively chopped out of the pumpkin’s flesh when they could have been cut with much more flourish. Instead they’re simply angled rectangles. I want this pumpkin to be evil personified, but it’s just not happening. However, in its defence, it is clean and recognizable. Which children do enjoy as they tend to have trouble with complex shapes and ideas.

PUMPKIN B (SCAREDY CAT): I must admit that I’ve never been a fan of “scene” jack o’ lanterns. They never take advantage of the fact that the roundness of a pumpkin is perfect for creating ghoulish heads. But, I won’t dock points for this personal bias. However, I will dock you for the moon backdrop. If you realize that the shape of the pumpkin will harm your attempts at a round moon, the best thing to do is to shrink your overall image so the distortion is minimal. This moon looks like a botched pancake, friends. The cat is relatively well-done, with fine features that are hard to pull off, but I confess to being confused as to the whereabouts of its second back leg. Mistake during the carving stage? Lack of knowledge of catnatomy? Whatever the case, it’s distracting. Also, is the cat nimbly walking across a swimming pool? Is that where the moon is being reflected? The attempts at adding a sense of tone with the reflection works, however, so I can get past any logic problems I have with the scene.

MY VOTE: This is a hard, close contest and I am typing this while crying, knowing I’ll have to break the hearts of some fine, fine people or Rachael. I’m going to have to go with the scaredy cat, simply for the complexity of the shapes. Congratulations, all. I look forward to next year’s entries already and towards you all “stepping up your game,” as kids and sports announcers say.

Huh. It's like he's applying to teach at art school. Or veterinary college. However, he is our permanent judge for both Pumpkin Carve-Off and Ginger, so we appreciate the time it must take to put together such palaverous assessments. Plus, it's obvious that he kinda hated both entries. That's almost like liking movita more than The Rutherfords.

Then 2.0's mother cast her vote in favour of The Rutherfords. The final blow.

So, movita lost again. 4:1. But she's okay. Because she doesn't have baby crap all around her house and 2.0 doesn't mind that she ain't so good with pumpkins.
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One might even think it was the perfect fake-out for next year.

10.08.2009

meadow muffin

movita is doing her part for the environment. She has gardens to save the honey bees, she composts and recycles, she wears yoga pants a lot and she rides the bus to work. movita feels that taking the Peasant Wagon to work is her biggest sacrifice. (That, and allowing Hagley to flirt shamelessly with 2.0.) Anhyoo, it turns out other people are returning favours to the earth too. Yesterday, when waiting at the bus shelter near her home, movita could smell something a little... turdish. And guess what? It was poop. Not dog poop. Person poop. Someone had used her bus shelter as a toilet. Someone with digestive issues had pooped in the area meant to protect movita from acid rain and bugs. And then used one of his sports socks as a wiping device.

The only thing that made movita feel a little better was seeing William H. Macy sitting across from her on the bus.

10.03.2009

tee shots and slap chops

2.0 is a great golfer. He wins tournaments all of the time. And then he brings home crappy prizes. Tool bags, extra large golf shirts with construction logos, duffel bags. movita has asked him to start winning awesome prizes (like the dvd player he won a while back). movita has also asked him to stop bringing home crappy prizes that she has no interest in using.

Today, when 2.0 picked movita up at work he had good news.

2.0: I golfed really well today. I had a spectacular tee shot on the 18th. Three hundred and twenty four yards. Tiger Woods would have clapped for me.
movita: Nice! So you won?
2.0: Yup, and you won't believe what's waiting for you at home.
movita: What? What's waiting for me at home?
2.0: A great prize.
movita: What?!
2.0: It's something we've wanted for a really long time. I can't tell you what it is, because I'm afraid you'll pee in the car.
movita: I guess if we're not allowed to eat in the new car, we can't pee in the new car.
2.0: You got that right.
movita: Is it another travel mug?
2.0: Nope! Man, you're going to be so happy...

The drive home seemed to take forever. After pulling into the driveway, 2.0 bolted out of the car and ran round to the trunk. movita stood on the lawn, with her eyes closed (as requested by 2.0). As he rummaged in the trunk, 2.0 told movita that when you win a golf tournament, you get first crack at the prizes. 2.0 had looked at all of prizes that afternoon... dvd players, coolers, barbecue sets, drills, tools... and he quickly grabbed what he felt was the best prize on the table. As the victor, this was his earned right.

2.0 picked the Slap Chop.

movita: This is awesome.
2.0: I know!
movita: I wanted to get one for your birthday, but couldn't find one. That's why I got you the mp3 player. But I know you really wanted the Slap Chop.
2.0: Let's chop some onions!
movita: Maybe we should wait until we actually need something chopped. Like when we're cooking. You can help chop when I'm making the minestrone tomorrow night.
2.0: Yah. I'll do that. I can't wait.
movita: Let's go in and take it out of the box.
2.0: (under his breath) This is going to be awesome. All we need now is the Graty...
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9.17.2009

post script

movita would like to point out that on their anniversary, after presenting her with a golf club, 2.0 announced that he had found a birthday gift for Hagley. This seemed especially thoughtful given the... golf club.

2.0: I have something for your sister's birthday.
movita: Really? What? (Thinking: a golf club?)
2.0: Do you think she was serious when she said she wanted sex for her birthday?
movita: Totally.
2.0: Really? I can't tell with you two.
movita: Yes, she wants sex for her birthday.
2.0: Okay. Well, I got her a man.
movita: Really? Where?
2.0: At work.
movita: What's he like?
2.0: I don't know.
movita: Is he nice?
2.0: Um, sure.
movita: Is he single?
2.0: I don't know. I think so.
movita: Does he talk about a girlfriend? A wife? Have you seen him with a girl?
2.0: I don't think so.
movita: What does he look like?
2.0: A dude.
movita: Did you tell him about her?
2.0: No.
movita: Can you help me out here? Can you tell me anything?
2.0: Um...
movita: Do you think she'll like him?
2.0: If the rumours at work aren't true, and he ISN'T gay, then she's really going to like him.
movita: What? Why would they think he's gay?
2.0: He bought a house with a dude.
movita: I'm pretty sure this isn't going to work out.

it's the thought that counts

Last week 2.0 and movita celebrated their anniversary. movita spent the whole day feeling very lucky and eagerly awaiting 2.0's return from work. movita had a beautiful card that she made just for him (in her new Crafting Centre). She had spent a great deal of time designing something to show him just how much she cares about him.

When 2.0 came home from work movita was standing in the kitchen. She saw him peeking through the window of the front door. movita was so excited when he burst through the entrance saying, "I got you something!"

movita looked down to his hands. He was carrying a... golf club.

"But I don't play golf," movita said, "and... I don't swing left."

"Huh. Really? That's funny. Well... I guess I can always use it in my golf tournament tomorrow. I mean, since you can't use it."

The next day, when celebrating Hagley's birthday, movita heard 2.0 telling Hagley all about the golf club he got movita for their anniversary. Hagley was nodding her head in approval. And movita thought, you're both getting something special for Christmas this year.

8.29.2009

here's hoping...

movita is in Toronto. She's having a brilliant time (if you don't count Hagley spraying movita in the face with soy sauce). Today movita and Hagley are meeting The Otherfords for lunch, and movita wonders if they will bring Grammar and let her eat at the table with us. Do cats like Korean food? movita hopes so.

update 30.8.09: The Otherfords didn't bring Grammar. Turns out cats don't like Korean food.

8.25.2009

fleur de champagne

Today movita and 2.0 have to say goodbye to their faithful companion, Fleur. As far as roadsters go, there could be no finer chariot than this flaxen winged speedball. Dependable, obviously showy and always classy, she can best be described as a gold streak of supersonicness. Street-smart and ever savvy, movita will miss her slightly rusted bits and constant chatter. Farewell, fine friend, farewell.


Admittedly, movita is looking forward to bringing home a brand new, fully loaded graphite coloured sidekick this evening.

the aftermath

movita survived hurricane Bill. Thanks for asking.

8.21.2009

bill

movita would like to point out that though her "fans" are perfectly happy to bitch when she doesn't update her blog frequently enough, not a one has written to express concern over the hurricane that is currently headed her way.

She can only hope that tupelo will keep her warm when the lights go out.

what's in a name?

2.0: (hollered from the kitchen) Honey?
movita: (from the basement) Yah?
2.0: Can we rename effie?
movita: To what?
2.0: tupelo.
movita: What? Why?
2.0: There's a golf course in South Carolina that I really like... Tupelo Bay.
movita:

8.13.2009

terms of endearment

Today 2.0 called movita his "little poop stain."

Enough said.

8.03.2009

miracle at the baby factory

2.0: Honey, come here! I have a steak shaped just like Cape Breton Island!
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movita told you he was endlessly entertaining.

7.29.2009

musings

movita always enjoys hearing 2.0's ideas. He's very smart and they share many of the same opinions. But there are times when 2.0 says things that make movita stop in her tracks.

From the musings of 2.0:
  • Maybe we should use a Sharpie to make niles' spots symmetrical.
  • Now, when I start this repair we won't be able to use the bathroom for two or three days.
  • Why won't niles come here? (Shaking can of black spray paint.)
  • But I AM the boss of you... right? (pausing) Why can't I be the boss of you?
  • That new bird feeder is going to attract lots birds... I bet we could catch a real small one for the cats to play with.
  • I forgot my belt. (Sound of pants hitting floor.)
  • movita: That bathroom has been cleaned for the guests. 2.0: That's okay. I'll go outside. movita: Or use the upstairs bathroom? 2.0: I guess...
  • Which one does your mother like? Oh. Then I like that one too.
  • movita: We should probably stop for milk on the way home. 2.0: We should probably get a cow!
  • This tastes bad. (Exclaimed from the perennial bed.)

He's endlessly entertaining.

7.10.2009

rutherfords think they are funny, movita not amused

Last week, Mr. and Mrs. Rutherford dropped this book off for movita. It's from 1976, which is, coincidentally, the last year movita even considered having a baby.
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7.07.2009

a bird in the paw

2.0's cat, ebony, really doesn't like effie and niles. She hates 'em like movita hates leaf blowers. The fur has been flying in the new house for a few weeks now. There have been some sleepless nights for all of us. ebony is pretty tough - like street gang tough - and is happy to put the beats on movita's cats with the slightest provocation. Though 2.0 and movita have been dealing with things the best they can, and have tried a number of things to assist the kitties in adjusting to their new living arrangement, they are always trying to come up with new ideas to address the situation.

2.0: (turning to face movita on the couch) Maybe we need something for all three cats to do together. You know, something fun. Then they'd do that together and forget all about fighting with one another. They would bond.
movita: Such as?
2.0: Well, we could go to a pet store and buy a tiiiny bird.
movita: Uh...
2.0: And then we could set it free in the house! All of the cats would work together to hunt it.
movita: No.
2.0: But if they killed something together they would probably get along better. They'd have a lot of fun. Cats like killing birds.
movita: No.
2.0: We'll think about it.
movita:

6.26.2009

movita moves into baby factory

2.0: Bad news... (closing the front door behind him)
movita: About?
2.0: The house.
movita: What?
2.0: I'm not sure if I should tell you... you might want to move.
movita: Never.
2.0: I really don't think you're going to like this.

movita is now thinking that either the water system is contaminated and she's been drinking high levels of arsenic, the roof is about to collapse upon her, or the neighbourhood has been taken over by gangs.

movita: What? What's wrong?
2.0: We moved into a baby factory.
movita: I'm sorry... what?
2.0: The man next door just told me.
movita: Told you what?
2.0: That we moved into a baby factory.
movita:
2.0: They're gunna be watching you. The whole neighbourhood will. Retired Guy jokes about it with his wife. They figure we'll be having a baby in no time. This place is a baby factory!
movita: Did you tell him I'm dead inside?
2.0: Nope!

Turns out that 2.0 has been making friends with Retired Guy next door. Retired Guy is a very nice fellow who told 2.0 a little about the history of our house. Retired Guy and his wife are convinced that our house is a baby factory... that something about our house makes all who live in it want to reproduce.

1. A single woman moves into the house (which was brand new at the time) about 50 years ago. She "takes up" with "some man," has multiple children and they have to move out to accommodate their brood.
2. Some famous sports dude (apparently movita was supposed to recognize the name) moves in with his wife, adds an en suite bathroom, spawns three children and they have to move into a bigger house.
3. A couple moves into the house, child-free, plant a crap-load of gardens, hatch a couple of kids and have to move to a larger property.
4. 2.0 and movita move in.

The next day, 2.0 is removing the door from the top of the basement stairwell - it's always in our way.

2.0: We'll probably have to put this back on when we have the baby.
movita:

6.17.2009

moving day

movita is moving tomorrow. It's all very exciting and movita can hardly contain her joy. However, movita is a little worried. Not about the move - 2.0 is the bomb. movita is worried because she hasn't told 2.0 about Baby Chrissy yet, and she's thinking that maybe she should have done that a while ago. movita is afraid that 2.0 won't like Baby Chrissy, and that this could cause some friction in the new household. (Though seriously, who couldn't love Baby Chrissy?)

Also, she's wondering what the movers will think when movita requests that Baby Chrissy ride up front with them.

5.28.2009

hagley's dog completely disgusting

movita forgot to tell you that Hagley's dog, Luke, ate a rabbit. A live rabbit. It was pretty bad.

things that piss movita off - part deux

  • when bananas make themselves impenetrable
  • dirt and disorganization
  • bugs that land in your lip gloss
  • earwigs
  • when effie jumps on movita's stomach in the middle of the night
  • people who use words such as irregardless and boughten (because they AREN'T words)
  • bathing suits
  • lady shorts
  • men in elastic cuffed jogging pants - light gray in particular, and especially when at the grocery store
  • loopers - people who call movita (or other innocents), leave a message and then insist on calling over and over again (as if movita can't see the 30 call-backs on her call display), or leave subsequent messages to see if she got the original message, find out her response to the message, remind her to call concerning the message...
  • when people call movita and don't leave a message - movita has call display, and movita figures no message means you were probably calling just to waste movita's time
  • when people at movita's work say, "what? You don't have kids? But you're so good with them! You'd be a greeeat mom!" movita would like to point out that:
  1. movita is dead inside, and in all likelihood, cannot reproduce.
  2. movita doesn't want kids in her house. She goes to great efforts to ensure that her house is perilous to children.
  3. movita doesn't want kids because she works with kids.
  4. movita knows that some people feel bad for over-populating the planet and regret that they must live in a kid-safe-dirty-disorganized world with inaccessible plugs and baby gates, but that's not movita's problem. movita knows they just want to take movita down with them, and movita ain't falling for it.

4.27.2009

movita 2009

movita is about to turn... old. As movita reflects on her many great years (and her not-so-great ones), she is happy to report that big things are happenin' in her life. For example, movita is moving. Yup, moving. And not just because there are jousters on her front lawn and there have been several attempts on her life. movita is moving because 2.0 is moving. You read right. 2.0 has found a new home, and movita is going to live there with 2.0, effie, niles, ebony and the sled. There's a white picket fence and everything. And movita is happy.

That being said, movita would like to remind you that asking her to "update her frickin' blog" remains unhelpful.

things that piss movita off - part un

  • Leeches. In the water and/or on land.
  • Slow walkers.
  • People who stop to talk to other people at the bottom of staircases, escalators, in busy hallways and the like, thus interrupting the flow of more intelligent people through public spaces.
  • The inappropriate use of restaurant booths (i.e. when two people sit side by side on one side of the booth rather than across from one another).
  • People who leave crumbs in the butter.
  • Bugs. Yah, movita knows we need them for the frickin' ecosystem. Shut up, nerds.
  • Leaf blowers and the people who use them.
  • Motorbikes.
  • People with no spatial awareness (often slow walkers).
  • Baby strollers, baby strollers on buses, baby strollers on subways, baby strollers in movita's way in any public space.
  • Slow walkers with baby strollers.
  • When people insist that eating outdoors is awesome.
  • Cruise ships.

4.12.2009

hagley does africa

movita's sister, Hagley, is in Africa. She's only been away for a week, but it feels like forever and ever to movita, and she won't be back for two more. Hagley doesn't have a lot of internet access these days, but her last email mentioned a headless rat, so it sounds like she's having fun. movita misses hagley. Mostly because she wants to be able to call her at all hours of the night to talk about boys and furry animals (and sometimes, furry boys).
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3.26.2009

big, fat losers

movita has a French sister. She's not her real sister, but she's close enough. Her name is Isa, and she's awesome. She is also the mother of movita's baby, Lucy 2.0.

movita's brother (Adopamop), Isa and Lucy 2.0 came to Nova Scotia for Christmas. They were here for four weeks. You learn a lot about people when they crash in your country for four weeks. For example, French kids can power puke on even the shortest of car rides.

Also, it turns out Isa has a guilty pleasure. It's American tv. Not the good stuff. The really, really bad stuff. She spent hours watching shows like Maury Povich, The Bachelor, Cops and Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy.

A typical holiday conversation with movita's French sister:

Day One
Isa: You are here just in time. There is a DNA special on Maury today.
movita: Isa, it's not a SPECIAL. Every day is DNA Day on Maury.

Day Two
Isa: Oh, my goodness, Rach, you must come and see. The World's Biggest, Fattest Loser is on.
movita: I think you mean, The Biggest Loser.
Isa: Yes, the Big Fat Losers are on.

Day Three
Isa: Rach, there is a DNA special on Maury today. It starts in five minutes. You should sit and watch.
movita: Isa, it's not special when it's on EVERY day.

Day Four
Isa: Raaaach! The World's Biggest, Fattest Fat Loser Person Show is on. Sit and watch with me!
movita: Again, I think it's called, The Biggest Loser.

Day Five
Isa: The World's Biggest, Fat, Fat, Fat American Losers is on. Today is all about couples. Fat couples.
movita: I don't think we're supposed to talk about this.

Day Six
Isa: Raaaaach! Maury is doing a special on paternity today.
movita: A DNA special?
Isa: Oh, yes! It's a special!

Day Seven
Isa: Guess what's on!
movita: Are we still doing this?

3.16.2009

cats and sleds

2.0 has to travel a lot for work. This causes him a lot of stress. You might think this is because he's not going to get to hang out with movita, but you'd be thinking wrong. It's because he has to leave his cat, ebony.

When 2.0 goes away, someone has to look after ebony. You have to be very nice to ebony. Mostly because ebony will, in all likelihood, barf on something you like if you aren't. And because movita is very important and very busy, 2.0 stresses out about the quantity and quality of care ebony will receive whilst he is away.

movita has suggested that ebony come and stay with she, effie and niles, but 2.0 is convinced that ebony will kill either movita, effie or niles. He may have a point. One day, when sitting in 2.0's living room, ebony ran from one end of the apartment to the other, hissing and charging toward the patio door. movita was very scared. 2.0 said, "she just saw her reflection in the patio door and thought it was another cat." movita thought: yikes.

So, bearing this in mind, movita suggested yesterday that perhaps a back up plan might be The Rutherfords. ebony could come and stay with movita, effie and niles, and if things were going really badly, she could call The Rutherfords for assistance. They don't do much right, but it turns out they're great with cats. Cats like them. (Only cats like them.) So, movita figured if ebony really did try scratch her eyes out, she could call The Rutherfords and ask if they might be willing to give her (ebony) shelter for a couple of days.

2.0 paused for thought. And then said, "well, only if they wouldn't make fun of her."

movita thought (but didn't say out loud): because ebony's... fat?

"You know," he continued, "because Mrs. Rutherford made fun of my sled."

Oh. The sled. Of course. 2.0 is still mad about the sled.

Mrs. Rutherford and I discovered the sled October when checking in on ebony one day. movita was taking care of business in the laundry room and Mrs. Rutherford was in the living room.

Mrs. Rutherford: Raaaaaaach?
movita: Yah?
Mrs. Rutherford: Uh... what's this sled?
movita: What sled?
Mrs. Rutherford: 2.0 has a toll painted sled out here...
movita: (after engaging super speed mode to get to the living room) What the hell?
Mrs. Rutherford: Yah, look. It's a little sled.
movita: Where'd you find it?
Mrs. Rutherford: Here, by the couch.
movita: Beside the couch?
Mrs. Rutherford: Yah, tucked in here. It's sparkly.
movita: And it has snowmen! Why does he have it?
Mrs. Rutherford: I dunno. You haven't seen this before?
movita: Uh, no.
Mrs. Rutherford: Wow. It's so...
movita: Yah. Look we haven't been dating long. I... don't know what to say.

Naturally, movita had to ask 2.0 about the sled when he returned home from his trip. Naturally, she said it was only Mrs. Rutherford that was making fun of it.

movita: But WHERE did it come from?
2.0: Why? Don't you like it?
movita: Well that's not really the question at hand here. Why do you have it? Did your mother make it?
2.0: What if I made it?
movita: DID you make it?
2.0: No.
movita: Oh. Did you... inherit it?
2.0: No. Maybe I just really like it. Don't you like it?
movita: Well, it's very small. It's not like you could ACTUALLY sled on it. And it hasn't really been on display, so it caught me by surprise. You are, after all, in the construction field. And you've never said anything about toll painting before. And it's October. Not December. And it kind of looks like a holiday decoration...
2.0: You don't like it.
movita: I didn't say that.
2.0: But Mrs. Rutherford was making fun of it?
movita: Yes. Yes, she was.
2.0: Well, I don't think I'm going to like her very much.
movita: Nope. You probably won't.

Fives months later, 2.0 now claims that the two sparkly snowmen on the sled are he and his son, 3.0.

This has not helped the situation.

And still no agreement on the cat.

3.12.2009

back up offa me

yes, movita knows. movita knows that you want her to update her blog. movita knows that you lead boring, middle aged lives, and that you live vicariously through her. movita has been resisting the temptation to tell some of you to bugger off. Partly because it would be rude, but mostly because she's too busy and important to waste her time telling you to bugger off. movita has been so busy in fact, that it wasn't until she was almost out the door for work yesterday that she realized her yoga pants were on backwards. movita was relieved to have discovered the error - the people movita works with idolize her and want to be just like her. And it would have been terribly embarrassing if she had discovered the wardrobe malfunction when she was teaching. Like about three hours later when realized her top was on backwards.

2.26.2009

ya four-eyed boner

movita has some good news and bad news for you.

The good news is that she is not blind. movita knows this because she can still see stuff and she had some special tests done on her eyes a couple of weeks ago. Apparently, the tests are commonly done on the middle aged. When the eye doctor mentioned this to movita, she found it necessary to point out to him that she is, "NOT middle aged. YOU are middle aged." He looked a little surprised to hear the news. movita guesses he couldn't figure this out on his own because he's middle aged and a man.

The bad news is that you might be middle aged.

1.29.2009

still life with cat and lobster

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Look what movita has. A picture of The Otherford's cat. A picture of The Otherford's cat on their table. With their dinner. That's right. Grammar has her face shoved into a bowl of congealed butter. Her itty bitty kitty litter paws are dangerously close to a festive meal of crustaceans. Such a delightful meal. And then, bleck... cat paws. The Otherfords probably think it's cool. They did, after all, send movita the picture. Of course, The Otherfords like wet suits and hockey, so whudda they know?
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movita found this video on how to eat lobster, and it doesn't mention cats anywhere. Not once.
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Dining Etiquette:How To Eat Lobster

12.23.2008

ginger 2008

Good news. movita finally won something. No, not your heart. That's obvious. Ginger 2008.

movita prepared for this year's competition for a few weeks. Mostly squats and the vigorous consumption of candy. movita hates that The Rutherfords beat her at everything, or rather, used to beat her at everything, and she was determined to defeat them this year. So she planned and planned, and she was more than ready for the big day when it finally arrived.

But something happened when she and 2.0 landed at The Rutherfords'. First off, 2.0 actually participated. movita isn't used to having a partner who actually participates, and she was a little... thrown. The plan got all messed up. Sketches and diagrams were abandoned, and order was thrown out the window. As the house neared completion movita got worried. The front yard looked a little... how do you say? Déchets blancs. As the final touches were being placed on the house, 2.0 indicated that he thought the only thing missing was a hood-less car propped up on cinder blocks in the front yard. (movita didn't find this helpful.) movita tried to look objectively at the house. She stepped back to admire the creation. As photos were taken, the lamp posts in the front yard began to lean to one side. The Christmas lights began to sag. Each section of the white picket fence leaned a different way. The ginger property was full of junk and slabs of masonry began to slide off the front of the house. And movita thought, he's right. 2.0 is right. And that car in the front yard? It was probably involved in a drive-by.

But guess what? Kids like crap. And so do their parents. And guess who judged the competition? Kids and their crap-lovin' parents (because once you have kids you lose most of your good taste and common sense). Photos of the houses were posted at a holiday party hosted by movita's employer (Mrs. Rutherford works there too), and the crap lovin' attendees adored movita's house. Like a bunch of white people watching Boyz in the Hood and then throwin' gang signs, they embraced the crack-house atmosphere of the property, and cast their votes it our favour.
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movita's house

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Rutherford House
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The Rutherford house is okay too - if you like white, middle class suburbia. But movita lives in the hood now. She left suburbia a year ago. And she ain't goin' back.
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11.12.2008

props to the pops

This year movita has seen the passing of many great daddies. These men were, particularly to their friends and families, some of the greatest men to have ever walked the planet. movita remembers these men with great affection.

Naturally, movita has been thinking about her own daddy. Where would she be without him? Certainly, she wouldn't be nearly as athletic or adept at sports as she is. Now, movita knows that some of you are going to point out that she doesn't actually play sports, and movita will probably tell you to go suck it. For if you know movita, you will know that she is extremely delicate and lady-like, and, like a hand model, her chosen profession makes her reluctant to take chances with her highly tuned body. Also, she hates dirt, and a surprising number of sports involve dirt and the outdoors.

Did you know that movita's daddy was a tennis champ? This is why when The Rutherfords ask her to play tennis she declines. With these genetics, she would make The Rutherfords look really bad, and then Mr. Rutherford would have no reason to live. (Mr. Rutherford thinks he's super awesome at all athletics.)
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Also, movita, like her daddy, is awesome at playing baseball. movita is pretty sure that her grandparents once told her that he used to play for the Blue Jays, but they also convinced most of her relatives that movita dances with the National Ballet of Canada, so they may not have been a reliable source of information.
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movita recommends that you think a little about your own daddy today. Maybe, if you're lucky like movita, you've still got him around to squeeze and stuff. Sure, he probably isn't as awesome as movita's daddy, and sure, he probably didn't play baseball for the Blue Jays, but movita bets he's good at other stuff.

11.01.2008

claws for concern

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movita received this photo this morning. It's from The Otherfords. This is their cat, Grammar. Remember Grammar? The Otherfords let her eat off their plates. At first movita thought, ew, that cat is standing on a package of chicken. And then movita realized, no, that cat is standing on their cutting board. By an open jar of Nutella. Mr. Otherford calls the photo, Cat Enjoying Wholesome Snack in 1980's Kitchen. movita calls it, Holy Crap, Didn't The Otherfords Prepare Dinner For Me on That Cutting Board?

movita's sister, Hagley, received the same picture, and though movita doesn't agree with much of what Hagley says (like, "I don't want anything for Christmas if you're not going to give me a pony," and "it is always appropriate to sleep with someone on the first date"), she thought Hagley was dead on when she pointed out that it looks like Grammar is taking a dump on The Otherford's kitchen counter.
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movita also wonders if The Otherfords ate that disgusting, brown banana. And if so, did they spread Nutella and fur on it?

10.16.2008

pumpkin carve-off 2008 aka when your so-called friends let you down big time

Pumpkin Carve-Off 2008. movita and 2.0 versus The Rutherfords.

The evening went well. movita didn't lose any fingers. 2.0 didn't leave mid-way through the competition to nap or watch NASCAR (like movita's previous sub-standard partner). The Rutherfords were munching on vegetables and acting like asses as per usual. And movita was feeling pretty good. There was even a Superstore Stay-Together cake to eat (that's another story, don't get your knickers in a knot). So when movita and 2.0 left The Rutherford's house, she was happy.

Five judges were selected to assess the pumpkins: Mr. Rutherford's mother, Mrs. Rutherford's mother, Grasshopper, The Otherfords*, and movita's boss. Photos of the pumpkins were sent out via email.
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First to respond and cast a vote was Grasshopper, who sent the following message:

Fine pumpkins, all. However, one is terrible.

The skeleton pumpkin has a wonderful sense of terror as the ghastly boneman appears to be bursting out of the unusual, glowing vegetable to claim our very souls. Placing his right knee up in such a manner creates a lovely sense of gesture, often lacking in jack-o-lantern art. Also, by evoking flame in the framing technique, the artists show a remarkable sense of foresight, knowing that at some point the pumpkin will be ablaze from within, bringing the flame motif to life. Stellar work.

movita would like to point out that the next excerpt from Grasshopper's email is referring to HER pumpkin:

The other jack-o-lantern features a house. Oh, and a bat.

I can only assume that the house is supposed to be haunted and is not just meant to terrify homeowners who are concerned about the plummeting housing market. Unfortunately, there's no indication that the house is supposed to be filled with poltergeists or is scary in its architecture. There is some sort of wacky chimney, but it's more comical than anything. I do applaud the suspension of the bat, but other than that, I'm quite disappointed. And, for the record, bats on the outside of a house does not make the inside of a house haunted, more like a welcome sanctuary away from all the bats.

If the award does not go to the skeleton pumpkin, I would like to be removed from this mailing list as I cannot associate with tasteless individuals. You will all just drag me down with you.

Regards,
Grasshopper


movita was appropriately pissed. Then the Rutherford Mothers each voted for movita's pumpkin. This brought the score to 2:1, for movita. The Otherfords (disgusting Chad and Amy who let their dirty cat eat off their plates) replied next, and voted for the skeleton. This was expected, as they are almost as disgusting as The Rutherfords. Tie, 2:2.

It was up to movita's boss cast the final tie-breaking blow. And guess what? She voted for the bleepin' Rutherfords. movita would like to point out that her boss: a) abandoned her on the dance floor at a wedding a couple of weeks ago, leaving movita dateless, b) asked movita to drive her car with "wet brakes," assuring movita that "everything should be fine," and finally, c) voted for The Stupid Rutherfords. movita thinks her boss might hate her.
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So movita is sad. And movita wonders just what it is going to take for her to finally win a Pumpkin Carve-Off. And movita also wonders if egging The Rutherford's house might make her feel a little better.
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*shout out to Hagley's friend Cheryl who came up with this awesome new name for disgusting Chad and Amy

10.10.2008

uh oh

movita is a little more nervous than she usually is. Sure, there's always the threat of an attack by an MEC employee or The Rutherfords (actually, it has just occurred to movita that they could all get together and really screw with her), but movita has some more pressing concerns. This week in Romania a woman "... was found eaten by her pack of 20 cats. Much of 58-year-old Livia Melinte was nibbled by her pets after she died weeks ago. 'She loved her cats so much she spent half her time feeding them. I suppose they had a big appetite,' said a neighbour in Tomnatic, Romania."

Loyal movita fans need not be reminded that movita has long feared that in the end, as she lies dead in her apartment (in a strangely beautiful pose), effie and niles will eat her face off, and then the wild dogs will come to tear her fragile body apart.

As a result, movita has decided that dating might not be such a bad thing after all.

9.24.2008

sialorrhea

Some of you have been snarky with movita, and have complained that she hasn't been updating her blog. And movita has been trying to tell you that nothing exciting has happened to her lately (with the exception of possible unemployment), so it has been difficult to blog for you, her nagging fans. But then movita remembered that last week, on her second date with a boy, she drooled on her pants. And yes, he saw.

There. Happy?

9.12.2008

happy birthday, hagley

Today is Hagley's birthday. She's an awesome sister. Unless, that is, she's pulling the tail off something you really like and then taunting you with it. Then you kinda wish your parents had stopped with you, the perfect child, and hadn't bothered squeezin' out a sister and picking up some other kid they found at the local rink. But I digress. Let's say she's relatively awesome and leave it at that.

Happy birthday, Hagley. I hope you get some tail.
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9.04.2008

click the link, stupid

Look at my Grasshopper. He's helping people. Kind of.

9.02.2008

movita, bored on vacation, starts getting snarky

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Remember when movita was nice?
She's not anymore.
Blame the last dude she slept with.

March 11, 2008

Should Our Sucky Product* be stored in the refrigerator after opening? I only use a partial bottle/bowl.

Thanks,

Rachael D.

August 26, 2008

Hi Rachel, (movita would like you to note that her name is spelled incorrectly)

You can store Our Sucky Product on the counter or in the fridge, depending on your pet’s preference for another day or so after opening. We usually hear the bottle is finished the next day, so refrigeration hasn’t been an issue. How is your pet responding to Our Sucky Product? Would you like to send us a comment?

Regards,

Mike R.

August 28, 2008

Dear Mr. R.,

Thank you for replying to my email and answering my question. I guess my only comment would be: reply to customer inquiries in less than five months, and you’ll be making progress. I run a business myself, and have a turn around time of less than 48 hours on all emails.

Rachael D.

August 29, 2008

Rachel, (movita would like you to note that her name is spelled incorrectly again)

I appreciate your comment. Perfection is elusive. One or two messages did slip through the cracks during our first days.

Mike R.

August 30, 2008

Mr. R,

If by first days you mean first five months, I can only assume the crack was massive. You're right, perfection is elusive. Guess what else is eluding me? My desire to buy your product again.

RachAel D.


*not actual product name

8.26.2008

zoonoses

Last week, movita was dismayed when she walked into her kitchen and discovered effie the wonder cat eating Becel upon the counter. effie is a very good cat, and except for one other episode involving grated cheese (and subsequent barfing), she is very trustworthy. movita mentioned the incident to Hagley the following day, who then told her that disgusting Chad and Amy let their cat, Grammar, EAT OFF THEIR PLATES. Turns out Grammar really likes peas. And they don't just toss her one and let her munch it upon the floor. Nope. They let her scoop peas off their plates with her dirty cat litter paws.

movita has done some research. She has learned, for example that it is "... not recommended that you share your ice cream with your cat - her mouth may contain viruses and bacteria. That tongue may have been licking her bottom shortly before licking your ice cream."* Sick. movita wonders if Chad and Amy even do dishes... maybe they just let Grammar lick them clean and then stack 'em in the cupboard.

For a long time, movita's family has called Chad and Amy "The Other Rutherfords." Mostly because Chad and Amy like the outdoors and are gross (just like The Rutherfords). movita has always given Chad and Amy the benefit of the doubt. I mean, come on... nobody can be as bad as The Rutherfords. But then last night movita thought, hey, The Rutherfords live with a drooling cat. That's pretty gross. Kinda like having a cat that eats off your plate. And guess what else you can get from cats? WORMS. Remember when Mr. Rutherford ATE worms? And then movita was thinkin' that we should put The Rutherfords and The Other Rutherfords out on an island somewhere, you know, for the greater good. But then she remembered that they'd probably like that. Also, they all like paddle sports so they'd probably find their way back eventually. And then we'd be back to square one: cats eating off plates with dirty paws and people eating worms just for the hell of it.


* the messybeast.com

8.14.2008

pussyfootin'

movita has been training. She's not sure what she's training for, but she's rockin' a two pack and a bad attitude. Basically, she could kick your ass. But sometimes, it's lonely at the top, and sometimes movita would like to have a training partner. Sure, when she's in the gym she competes with Out-of-Shape Couple, but they don't know she's competing with them. And yes, she kicks it up a notch when Hot Gym Guy is there, but he doesn't know he's partially responsible for the pulled oblique on movita's right side.

When street training this morning (that's right, street training, bitch), movita found herself a new running partner. He came up on movita's right side. She didn't notice him at first - he was in gray, and slid between movita and the building she was running past. He matched her stride. His running was effortless. They pressed up Cunard Street. Past the construction workers. Over the ripped up sidewalks. Around the bulldozer and pavement rolling pin machine thing. Side by side for two blocks. But then movita's new running partner tried to cut her off. He ran between her legs and circled once around her, and movita found this rather disconcerting. And that's when movita accidentally kind of kicked him. And that's when they decided it might be best if they parted ways. Too bad, cuz it was nice to have the company for a little while.

To quote The Pussycat Dolls, "be careful what you wish for 'cuz you just might get it." (Actually, The Pussycat Dolls make movita real glad she didn't wish to be a skanky ho.)
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8.07.2008

the name game

movita shares her building with a man she likes to call Hot Laundry Room Guy. (Because he's cute and does laundry.) This morning, movita got up bright and early to do laundry. movita likes to do her laundry early for several reasons:
  • to get it over with
  • because the laundry room is quiet before 8 am
  • because old people do their laundry early and movita prefers the company of seniors to people in her own age group

movita placed her laundry in the washing machines, and then returned to her apartment for her morning coffee. Thirty eight minutes later she returned to the laundry room. As she walked through the door she was hit with an overwhelming blast of... liquor. Gin and maybe... rye? Or homelessness. movita was almost knocked over by the imposing stench. What had happened in her absence?

Immediately, movita sniffed herself (just to be sure). She smelled awesome. As she began to transfer her washing into the dryers, Hot Laundry Room Guy walked into the room. Crap, movita thought, he's going to think that malodorous stank is coming from me.

"Gooood mooorning!" Hot Laundry Room Guy was kind of yelling at movita. "Hi," movita replied. Hot Laundry Room Guy started to whistle. And then movita noticed that the smell of drunk funk was getting really, really strong. Then Hot Laundry Room Guy went over to a counter and picked up a copy of Reader's Digest (Large Print Edition) and started reading out loud from it. He would punctuate the stories with, "Amazing!" Or, "that's super interesting!" (As an aside, most of the anecdotes he was reading aloud were neither amazing nor super interesting.)

Turns out Hot Laundry Room Guy is just Hot Drunk Guy. movita is kind of sad, because she spent a lot of time coming up with his original name, and now she'll have to get used to a new name. And guess what? The elevator, almost four hours later, still smells like Hot Laundry Room Guy.

I mean, Hot Drunk Guy.

8.06.2008

tough love


Today, nature fell in love with movita. A butterfly (or maybe a moth) landed on movita's balcony and ate/did what ever it is that butterflies/moths eat/do. It was on movita's balcony for quite a while. movita even went out on the balcony to take a picture. Outside. With nature.

Unfortunately, as movita was taking a picture of nature, a spider crawled into her apartment through the open screen door. movita felt violated. The spider had complete disregard for movita's personal boundaries. What had she done to encourage this transgression? The spider was taking advantage, and movita is tired of being used. movita thought, really? I leave the screen open for one bleepin' second and in you go?

So, movita asked no questions when she saw effie, niles and thomas rutherford approaching the spider. She did not say, "hey, watch out... behind you," to the spider. She just walked away. Because sometimes shit happens.

Let that be a warning to you all.

8.04.2008

happy anniversary, luke (and hagley)

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This is my sister's dog. She's had him for a year now. She rescued him, and he rescued her. He's a racist. And he makes weird whale noises when he's playing. And, sure, sometimes he poops on your sister's nice beige Ikea rug, and she has to buy a new one, but I like him. I like him a lot. Hear that, Sergeant Lucas McSnuggles? I like you a lot. And I don't care if Hagley told me I'm not allowed to call you that. Happy anniversary. Or is it happy ownerversary?

assface inter-provincial ass

(phone rings)
movita: Hullo?
assface: Okay, did you just see THAT?
movita: Yah, that kid was amaze... wait. What are you watching?
assface: Dog the Bounty Hunter.
movita: Cripes.
assface: Hey, you fell for it again.
movita: Seriously. I really hate you. Aren't you on vacation? Where are you?
assface: London.
movita: You called from London, Ontario with the same crappy joke?
assface: Yup.
movita: What's that I hear? Are you watching So You Think You Can Dance?
assface: Uh, my family is.
movita: At least I've had a positive influence on them.
assface: Yah.
movita: I really wish I had dated them instead of you.
assface: I know you do.
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disclaimer: movita would not actually like to date anyone in assface's family. Bleck.

8.01.2008

flushed with fear

movita's baby, Lucy 2.0, is coming from France for Christmas this year. movita is very excited. Mostly because as previously pointed out, Lucy 2.0 doesn't look so good at the crack of dawn and may help to divert attention when some wanker pulls out a camera on Christmas morning when movita is still in her pyjamas and just wants to drink caffeine without putting makeup on.

With the approaching visit, movita's thoughts sometimes turn to the man who was sucked out of her plane as she made her way to France in 2005. She assumes that he might be lost for good. Sometimes thoughts of him interrupt her sleep. The night whispers stories of the lost soul, penetrating movita's dreams, taking hold of her, setting her adrift in a sea of the imponderable. This man, the lost soul, was sitting next to movita as her plane departed from Montreal that cold December night. Once the plane had reached cruising altitude he went to the washroom, and didn't return. Ever. He didn't even come back for his things in the overhead compartment.

movita has long feared airplane washrooms, as she has always assumed that there was a high risk factor involved with their use (i.e. that you can be sucked out of the plane through the toilet). The lost traveller only confirmed her fear. movita often wonders what the people who were to meet him at his final destination must have been thinking. How long did they wait for him, his checked luggage retrieved from an empty baggage carousel endlessly churning before them? Hours? Days?

movita is glad that Lucy 2.0 wears diapers, and cautions Adopamop and Isa to refrain from using la tiolette sur la aeroplane.

As for her dearly departed co-traveler, movita would like his friends and family to know that he was very nicely dressed in a sweater with a button down oxford shirt underneath and soft cords which were neatly pressed.

7.24.2008

check those pipes

movita's mummy, Rosie Beaucoup, would like movita to marry her plumber. Rosie Beaucoup just called movita to tell her that The Plumber will be at her house this week, but that movita's dad booked the appointment for a day when movita is working and this makes him (Daddy Beaucoup) a useless idiot.

movita has been hearing about The Plumber for about five years now. He is the best plumber Rosie Beaucoup has had since the late, great Mr. Arab (large shoes to fill). Rosie Beaucoup talks about The Plumber like he's her best friend. He can do no wrong. Rosie Beaucoup told movita that he looks like Charlie Sheen. She said that The Plumber was good and kind and very handy. She also told movita a couple of weeks ago that The Plumber was The One for movita. She said that she thought lightening would strike should movita actually meet The Plumber. That it was kismet. Meant to be. Destiny.

So, movita went for a sleep over at The Beaucoup's house to meet The Plumber. movita figured it was high time she put the issue to rest. Rosie Beaucoup was thrilled, as five years is a very long time to wait "for magic."

He arrived the next morning. He didn't look like Charlie Sheen, but movita isn't entirely convinced that Rosie Beaucoup knows who Charlie Sheen is. He was soft spoken and sweet. He was nice to Lucy the Dog, and would like to have a dog of his own one day. And he was nice to Daddy and Rosie Beaucoup. All very important things to movita.

And that's that. movita isn't exactly sure about what Rosie Beaucoup thought was going to happen. She's not very good at matchmaking. But this is what movita thinks Rosie Beaucoup might have envisioned:

The Plumber: Oh, hi, who are you?
movita: Rosie Beaucoup's daughter.
The Plumber: You are pretty.
movita: Thank you. You kind of look like Charlie Sheen.
The Plumber: Whoa, what was that?
movita: Lightening.
The Plumber: How about coffee, drinks, dinner, a movie... for as long as we both shall live? *
movita: That would be nice.

End scene.


* Because movita's pretty sure he would have memorized that line from You've Got Mail.

7.23.2008

assface still class a ass

(phone rings)
movita: Hullo?
Assface: Did you just see that?
movita: Yah! That was a crazy routine! Holy crap!
Assface: (pausing) What?
movita: Wait... what? Are you watching So You Think You Can Dance?
Assface: No. Dog the Bounty Hunter.
movita: And you thought I'd be watching Dog the Bounty Hunter?
Assface: (giggles) Sure.
movita: This is why we broke up.
Assface: (still giggling)
movita: What happened on YOUR show?
Assface: Well, Dog was just leading a group prayer before going out on the hunt.
movita: Doesn't he do that on every show?
Assface: Yup.
movita: And that was the exciting news you called to tell me about?
Assface: Yah.
movita: Seriously, this is why we broke up.

7.18.2008

movita almost kills hot wheelchair guy

movita shares her building with a man she likes to call Hot Wheelchair Guy. (Because he's cute and has a wheelchair.) He lives just up the hall from her. The other day, when checking her mail in the lobby, movita saw him getting into the elevator, and decided this would be the perfect time to get an up close, face-to-face look at him. She waited for the elevator doors to close behind him, and then made a break for the stairs. She ran past the first floor apartments, past the gym and pool, and headed into the stairwell. She took the stairs three at a time. She ran incredibly quickly. So quickly, in fact, that she beat the elevator up to the second floor. But movita didn't know just how fast she could move, and movita also didn't know that she had arrived on the second floor before the elevator.

When she burst through the end door of her hallway she couldn't see Hot Wheelchair Guy. She assumed that she had missed him as he came off the elevator and that he was safe and sound in his apartment. (This has happened in the past - the man is like a frickin' cat - and his apartment is right beside the elevators.) So, she continued to run at full tilt up the hall toward her apartment at the opposite end. Super Speed Mode was now fully engaged, and unfortunately, she was unable to slow down as Hot Wheelchair Guy slowly rolled off the elevator at the mid-point of the corridor. Impact was inevitable. As she tried to swerve and avoid collision, she launched her body off the right side of his chair, flipped through the air, and crashed into a wall. Imagine his surprise. Now imagine the loud sound her body made when it hit the wall.

And you know what? movita really didn't get a good look at him after all. She pretty much dropped tail and made a break for it. In fact, it probably would have been easier to ride up in the elevator with him, but that's only occurred to movita just now.

7.17.2008

movita sees naked man

It's been a long time since movita has seen a naked man in his 20's. But a short while ago, when walking home from work, movita got to see one. God bless this city.

First off, it was a very hot evening, and movita can only assume that this contributed to the necessity of nudity. As she neared the intersection by her building, she could see someone running toward her. Initially, movita thought, "gee, who would wear a monotone, nude coloured outfit in public? Not flattering." Then, as the figure approached her, movita realized that it was not a nude coloured outfit at all. Relieved? Only for a moment. The man was naked and gaining speed. movita has been taught that she should never let ANYONE touch her in her bathing suit areas, so naturally she took measures to protect those zones immediately. Sadly, the same could not be said for the man-child.

As the man-child got even closer, movita could hear voices to her right. On the roof of an adjacent building stood about a dozen other man-children, in various stages of undress. They were yelling something about... what? movita couldn't quite decipher the chants.

movita now stood face to face with the naked man-child. He was barely able to speak due to an extreme state of inebriation and/or lack of cardiovascular endurance. He grabbed movita by the shoulders and locked eyes with her. movita met his eyes and immediately knew what he was thinking: running a city block naked without shoes is not a good idea; nor is forgetting one's keys.

That's when movita looked back over to the man-boys on the roof. They were holding his keys in the air and doing some sort of primeval dance. And movita thought, "I'm really glad I got to see this." Because she was. And then she thought, "this is a really good reason to avoid dating men in their 20's."

7.10.2008

movita almost run over again

Recently, movita was almost run over again. A sedan almost killed her at the corner of Robie and Cunard. Naturally, when you are as popular as movita you come to expect some assassination attempts. That's why she likes to sit facing the entrances/exits of all eating establishments - movita wants to see your ass before you attempt to kill her. That being said, it would seem that a restaurant assassination is less likely than death by car. As such, movita created a list of suspects - mostly men that she has dated:

List of suspects:
  • Bay Streeter - he stole movita's Joy of Cooking book, so he's obviously a prick
  • Russian Belt Buckle Guy - because when he tried to kiss movita, she dove Walker-Texas-Ranger-Style onto the floor and then rolled toward the nearest exit
  • Guy with Dog I Liked More Than Him - because movita liked his dog more than him
  • Alcoholic IRA Guy - probably into assassinations (and definitely into Guinness)
  • Man with Lady Caboose - a very suspicious man indeed, and if asked, movita would advise him to never wear pleated khakis again
  • Flight Instructor - because movita hated his mini-van and clogs and refused to ride his hog (interpret that any way you like)
  • Sir Sobsalot - because movita dissed his pansy ass (bloody cry baby), and dumped him hardcore
  • Any MEC Employee - for obvious reasons
But then this evening, as movita scrolled through some pictures on her digi cam, she came across this photo. The Jousters. Next to a sedan. Suspicious, n'est pas? I'm pretty sure that's Royal Blue Guy on the right. And guess where they joust? The corner of Robie and Cunard. F*ckers.
.

6.21.2008

movita cancels wedding

movita has been in Toronto all week. She has been very busy shopping for slutty clothes, eating ethnic food and hanging out with old people. Also, there's some bad news. movita was planning to marry Grasshopper whilst on this vacation, but Grasshopper is at a nudist resort for the weekend. movita doesn't believe in nudity or resorts, so it would seem that she and Grasshopper are not MFEO*. movita understands that you might be disappointed, but would like to assure you that if Grasshopper really wants to marry movita, and is willing to change his lifestyle entirely, she will reconsider. And you know what? It's probably for the best as Grasshopper has a girlfriend and movita is still married to Peter Handsome. Not that movita even really believes in marriage. Or children. Or seahorses.


*made for each other

6.15.2008

happy father's day to my favourite buckaroo


movita loves her daddy. And movita doesn't like to brag, but she's pretty sure her dad is cooler than yours. And guess what? movita just found out that her dad is really a cowboy. This makes sense to movita, as when she was a child she remembers thinking that her dad was really good at making Kraft Dinner and baked beans from a can (classic cowboy eats).

Now, movita hasn't seen her dad wearing chaps or bandannas, but damn, he was good at herding us kids - and Hagley's a slippery one. Also, in the tradition of horse whispering, movita sometimes sees him whispering stuff to Lucy the Dog. I can't tell if she understands him, but she doesn't run away or nuthin'. I'd bet ten bucks that he's gonna want to take part in some sort of cattle drive today, and twenty bucks says Rosie Beaucoup will say, "no, you'll fall and crack your head open." She's a real bronco-buster.

6.04.2008

good for f*cking you

movita has been running. Not from anything in particular. Just running. So the other day, when movita was out running from nothing in particular, a most peculiar thing happened. As she approached a man on the sidewalk, he cleared it for her. Moved right off the sidewalk and onto the road. He made sure no one blocked movita's way. Kept the path completely clear. And then he yelled, "good for you!"

movita was confused. And now movita is very concerned about her running form. Mostly because the "good for you" was the kind you expect to hear at the Olympics for... you know... people facing challenges and adversity in their lives. Or the kind of "good for you" reserved for that lady on tv that has to be lifted by a crane from her house because she's so obese, and then learns to walk again. The "good for you" was accompanied by a fist pump in the air. And it was yelled very loudly - loudly enough to stop a number of people in their tracks to watch movita run by. And as she rounded the corner she could hear a, "you go girl" in the distance.

movita has asked some of her students to watch her run. No one has told movita (to her face) that she runs like someone facing great mental or physical adversities, however movita remains worried.

This is almost as bad as when Mr. Rutherford thought movita was a boy.

5.28.2008

sweetpea's sweet start

Sweetpea is here! She arrived this evening. movita is very excited. movita can't wait to teach Sweetpea to hate dirt, put on make up, and clean stuff.

You know what? I think Sweetpea is gunna make The Rutherfords cool.

wedding bells

movita is one step closer to getting married. Grasshopper is coming to Halifax for a visit in a couple of weeks. He's bringing his girlfriend AND his ex-wife (movita isn't kidding), and some guy who likes dirt and maybe crystals. I guess the women are coming along to act as references. The guy, I'm assuming, is coming along to make Grasshopper look good. I hear this is sometimes called "being a wingman." Not that Grasshopper needs one. He's like a bloody freakin' superhero. That being said, if Gord the Wingman looks even remotely like Justin Timberlake...

Actual photos of Grasshopper saving the world.

5.21.2008

sweetpea and movita

movita is very excited about the impending arrival of Sweetpea, The Rutherford Baby. movita has a lot in common with Sweetpea already:
  • movita and Sweetpea are way cooler than the original Rutherfords
  • Sweetpea has not been outdoors at all for the past nine months
  • Sweetpea will probably enjoy spending time with movita far more than with Mr. and Mrs. Rutherford (movita has found this to be the case for quite some time)
  • Sweetpea doesn't run well
  • Sweetpea doesn't have a bike
  • Sweetpea doesn't play sports
  • Sweetpea doesn't camp
Only a few more sleeps...

5.20.2008

opportunites with movita

movita is accepting applications for the following positions:

BFF - male
Friends, last names starting with: I, Q, U, V, X
Running Coach - should not make fun of movita or chase her
Inappropriate Friend - male/female
Inappropriate Lover - male, straight
Cat Sitter - casual position
Gym Nemesis - position filled May 2008

Your details/initial application information should include: your name, position you are applying for, qualifications, kiss-ass bullshit. Please post application information and c.v./resume highlights in the comments section. You will be contacted to provide further details should movita find you to be remotely interesting.

5.18.2008

the boys of summer

movita hears a lotta sh*t from her colleagues. movita suspects that this sh*t is supposed to give her the will to live or something.

colleague: So, are you still with your guy?
movita: Uh, no. We broke up over the holidays. It was the bomb.
colleague: That's okay. Summer's coming.
movita: Meaning?
colleague: That's when people meet. In the summer. On patios.
movita: I'm sure people meet in the winter.
colleague: Not nearly as often as they do in the summer.
movita: I'd like to see the statistics on that.
colleague: 3% of couples meet on airplanes and then get married.
movita: That can't be true.
colleague: Have you ever been seated next to a hot guy on a plane?
movita: Sure.
colleague: See? You could have married one of 'em.
movita: But I didn't.
colleague: But you COULD have.
movita: Okay, but wouldn't that mean that out of all of the Marrieds I know, that 3% would have met on planes?
colleague: Yes.
movita: No. I don't know any couples who met on a plane.
colleague: I'm just saying.
movita: Saying what?
colleague: You could meet a guy on a patio this summer.
movita: Oh, for heaven's sake...

5.15.2008

to do list (updated)

movita has updated her to do list (prior to death). movita is open to suggestions concerning additions and/or amendments.


  • learn to play new musical instrument
  • learn to fly kite
  • knit sweater
  • new york - december 2006
  • learn to use self-serve gas pump
  • learn to snap
  • take art class
  • see real, live fireflies
  • buy house/living space/box
  • learn to tap dance
  • take ballroom (again) and actually learn something
  • see real, live seahorse
  • learn calligraphy
  • learn to whistle
  • learn to drive standard
  • open dance studio
  • europe - december 2005
  • learn to skate
  • skate at Nathan Phillips Square
  • learn to belch - removed from list in may 2008 as attempts have proven to be too painful
  • see real, live flying squirrel
  • attend Kingston Steer BBQ and Village Fair
  • skate at Rockefeller Center

(updated may 15, 2008)

5.14.2008

no.


ex-friend: I have a guy I think you should meet.
movita: Why?
ex-friend: Because he's single and cute... like you.
movita: Suck it.
ex-friend: I'm serious. You'd be great for each other. You have lots in common.
movita: Because we're both single, right? And we both need oxygen to sustain life?
ex-friend: Not just that. He's fun and outdoorsy. He's a photographer. And New Age!
movita: Uh, I'm not fun, and I hate the outdoors. And New Age?
ex-friend: Yah, you know, all sensitive and stuff. Spirituuuual.
movita: You mean crystals and sh*t?
ex-friend: Not JUST crystals and sh*t.
ex-friend: (pausing) So, do you want to meet him?
movita: Why do you hate me?

5.06.2008

movita practically married

Good news. movita has been proposed to. Propositioned, if you will. It came via email today.


To: movita@live.ca
From: Grasshopper
Subject: Hey

WOULD YOU MARRY ME? I've done it before. I'm real good at it.


Obviously, movita must weigh her options, but as this is the only proposal she has received thus far, Grasshopper has a pretty good chance of marrying movita in the very near future. movita must first be sure that he is serious, and then be sure no one else is interested. movita will, of course, update you as necessary.

5.04.2008

movita to marry someone for real

movita read in the Toronto Star today that the secret to a happy marriage is to be annoying. Apparently, researchers at the University of Michigan conducted a study and discovered that though spouses are generally considered the most annoying person in one's life, they also contribute to a feeling of closeness and comfort which allows you to express your feelings. I guess that means that expressing your feelings = annoying = happy. Therefore movita = annoying = happy.

movita has come to the conclusion that she would be very good at marriage. If you know someone who would like to marry movita please contact her at movita@live.ca.