I was perusing your blog today and have decided that you must put together a publication of your musings. They're being wasted being just sent out into the internet void. Too entertaining and you would be better served by putting them in a book format and charging a ridiculous fee to those who want to read it. Also... I am sincerely sorry for the existence of my stroller.
movita was very happy. Finally someone has apologized for reproducing. And movita has decided to accept Charlotte's apology. Because it's not really her fault babies can't walk.
Oh, and that The Rutherfords keep coming back for more.
Earlier this week 2.0 and movita woke to the sounds of ebony chasing niles down the stairs.
2.0: ebony! Cut it out! (pausing and turning to face movita) She's gunna get a swat.
movita: But she's small. And getting old. And you could hurt her. And she could kill me in my sleep.
2.0: But she has to learn. She shouldn't be so mean to Mr. White.
movita: Yes, but you should scold her when she behaves badly. And you have to scold her as soon as she misbehaves, not later. Otherwise she won't understand. Also, his name is niles, not Mr. White.
2.0: Okay, I promise I won't swat her. Even though she deserves it. And I think we should change his name to Mr. White.
movita: Thank you. And no.
Later movita could hear a ruckus down in the kitchen. A series of hisses followed by the skidding of cat paws. And movita could hear 2.0 yelling, "you are being scolded! You are being scolded! YOU ARE BEING SCOLDED!"
movita and 2.0 had just begun making plans for this year's face-off when they received the call to compete. 2.0 was a little alarmed. "But it's Thanksgiving! Aren't we supposed to do this at the end of the month? We haven't planned properly." movita explained the situation. "The Rutherfords have reproduced. This means everything is screwed up. That's why we should never have a baby."
Pumpkins were purchased on the fly, and the competition began. 2.0 and movita were feeling pretty good about their under-planned pumpkin until 2.0 pointed out that the mouth kinda looked like it was spelling out "WOW." In fact, Rosie Beaucoup would later email: "This judge requires a closer shot of the O in WOW as the motifs are not highly visible in the current photos." This didn't bode well. The "O" was a gourd. A gourd with blood streaming down its head.
The only thing that made movita feel a little better was seeing William H. Macy sitting across from her on the bus.
2.0: I have something for your sister's birthday.
movita: Really? What? (Thinking: a golf club?)
2.0: Do you think she was serious when she said she wanted sex for her birthday?
2.0: Really? I can't tell with you two.
movita: Yes, she wants sex for her birthday.
2.0: Okay. Well, I got her a man.
movita: Really? Where?
2.0: At work.
movita: What's he like?
2.0: I don't know.
movita: Is he nice?
2.0: Um, sure.
movita: Is he single?
2.0: I don't know. I think so.
movita: Does he talk about a girlfriend? A wife? Have you seen him with a girl?
2.0: I don't think so.
movita: What does he look like?
2.0: A dude.
movita: Did you tell him about her?
movita: Can you help me out here? Can you tell me anything?
movita: Do you think she'll like him?
2.0: If the rumours at work aren't true, and he ISN'T gay, then she's really going to like him.
movita: What? Why would they think he's gay?
2.0: He bought a house with a dude.
movita: I'm pretty sure this isn't going to work out.
When 2.0 came home from work movita was standing in the kitchen. She saw him peeking through the window of the front door. movita was so excited when he burst through the entrance saying, "I got you something!"
movita looked down to his hands. He was carrying a... golf club.
"But I don't play golf," movita said, "and... I don't swing left."
"Huh. Really? That's funny. Well... I guess I can always use it in my golf tournament tomorrow. I mean, since you can't use it."
The next day, when celebrating Hagley's birthday, movita heard 2.0 telling Hagley all about the golf club he got movita for their anniversary. Hagley was nodding her head in approval. And movita thought, you're both getting something special for Christmas this year.
update 30.8.09: The Otherfords didn't bring Grammar. Turns out cats don't like Korean food.
Admittedly, movita is looking forward to bringing home a brand new, fully loaded graphite coloured sidekick this evening.
She can only hope that tupelo will keep her warm when the lights go out.
From the musings of 2.0:
- Maybe we should use a Sharpie to make niles' spots symmetrical.
- Now, when I start this repair we won't be able to use the bathroom for two or three days.
- Why won't niles come here? (Shaking can of black spray paint.)
- But I AM the boss of you... right? (pausing) Why can't I be the boss of you?
- That new bird feeder is going to attract lots birds... I bet we could catch a real small one for the cats to play with.
- I forgot my belt. (Sound of pants hitting floor.)
- movita: That bathroom has been cleaned for the guests. 2.0: That's okay. I'll go outside. movita: Or use the upstairs bathroom? 2.0: I guess...
- Which one does your mother like? Oh. Then I like that one too.
- movita: We should probably stop for milk on the way home. 2.0: We should probably get a cow!
- This tastes bad. (Exclaimed from the perennial bed.)
He's endlessly entertaining.
2.0: (turning to face movita on the couch) Maybe we need something for all three cats to do together. You know, something fun. Then they'd do that together and forget all about fighting with one another. They would bond.
movita: Such as?
2.0: Well, we could go to a pet store and buy a tiiiny bird.
2.0: And then we could set it free in the house! All of the cats would work together to hunt it.
2.0: But if they killed something together they would probably get along better. They'd have a lot of fun. Cats like killing birds.
2.0: We'll think about it.
2.0: The house.
2.0: I'm not sure if I should tell you... you might want to move.
2.0: I really don't think you're going to like this.
movita is now thinking that either the water system is contaminated and she's been drinking high levels of arsenic, the roof is about to collapse upon her, or the neighbourhood has been taken over by gangs.
movita: What? What's wrong?
2.0: We moved into a baby factory.
movita: I'm sorry... what?
2.0: The man next door just told me.
movita: Told you what?
2.0: That we moved into a baby factory.
2.0: They're gunna be watching you. The whole neighbourhood will. Retired Guy jokes about it with his wife. They figure we'll be having a baby in no time. This place is a baby factory!
movita: Did you tell him I'm dead inside?
Turns out that 2.0 has been making friends with Retired Guy next door. Retired Guy is a very nice fellow who told 2.0 a little about the history of our house. Retired Guy and his wife are convinced that our house is a baby factory... that something about our house makes all who live in it want to reproduce.
1. A single woman moves into the house (which was brand new at the time) about 50 years ago. She "takes up" with "some man," has multiple children and they have to move out to accommodate their brood.
2. Some famous sports dude (apparently movita was supposed to recognize the name) moves in with his wife, adds an en suite bathroom, spawns three children and they have to move into a bigger house.
3. A couple moves into the house, child-free, plant a crap-load of gardens, hatch a couple of kids and have to move to a larger property.
4. 2.0 and movita move in.
The next day, 2.0 is removing the door from the top of the basement stairwell - it's always in our way.
2.0: We'll probably have to put this back on when we have the baby.
Also, she's wondering what the movers will think when movita requests that Baby Chrissy ride up front with them.
- when bananas make themselves impenetrable
- dirt and disorganization
- bugs that land in your lip gloss
- when effie jumps on movita's stomach in the middle of the night
- people who use words such as irregardless and boughten (because they AREN'T words)
- bathing suits
- lady shorts
- men in elastic cuffed jogging pants - light gray in particular, and especially when at the grocery store
- loopers - people who call movita (or other innocents), leave a message and then insist on calling over and over again (as if movita can't see the 30 call-backs on her call display), or leave subsequent messages to see if she got the original message, find out her response to the message, remind her to call concerning the message...
- when people call movita and don't leave a message - movita has call display, and movita figures no message means you were probably calling just to waste movita's time
- when people at movita's work say, "what? You don't have kids? But you're so good with them! You'd be a greeeat mom!" movita would like to point out that:
- movita is dead inside, and in all likelihood, cannot reproduce.
- movita doesn't want kids in her house. She goes to great efforts to ensure that her house is perilous to children.
- movita doesn't want kids because she works with kids.
- movita knows that some people feel bad for over-populating the planet and regret that they must live in a kid-safe-dirty-disorganized world with inaccessible plugs and baby gates, but that's not movita's problem. movita knows they just want to take movita down with them, and movita ain't falling for it.
That being said, movita would like to remind you that asking her to "update her frickin' blog" remains unhelpful.
- Leeches. In the water and/or on land.
- Slow walkers.
- People who stop to talk to other people at the bottom of staircases, escalators, in busy hallways and the like, thus interrupting the flow of more intelligent people through public spaces.
- The inappropriate use of restaurant booths (i.e. when two people sit side by side on one side of the booth rather than across from one another).
- People who leave crumbs in the butter.
- Bugs. Yah, movita knows we need them for the frickin' ecosystem. Shut up, nerds.
- Leaf blowers and the people who use them.
- People with no spatial awareness (often slow walkers).
- Baby strollers, baby strollers on buses, baby strollers on subways, baby strollers in movita's way in any public space.
- Slow walkers with baby strollers.
- When people insist that eating outdoors is awesome.
- Cruise ships.
movita's brother (Adopamop), Isa and Lucy 2.0 came to Nova Scotia for Christmas. They were here for four weeks. You learn a lot about people when they crash in your country for four weeks. For example, French kids can power puke on even the shortest of car rides.
Also, it turns out Isa has a guilty pleasure. It's American tv. Not the good stuff. The really, really bad stuff. She spent hours watching shows like Maury Povich, The Bachelor, Cops and Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy.
A typical holiday conversation with movita's French sister:
Isa: You are here just in time. There is a DNA special on Maury today.
movita: Isa, it's not a SPECIAL. Every day is DNA Day on Maury.
Isa: Oh, my goodness, Rach, you must come and see. The World's Biggest, Fattest Loser is on.
movita: I think you mean, The Biggest Loser.
Isa: Yes, the Big Fat Losers are on.
Isa: Rach, there is a DNA special on Maury today. It starts in five minutes. You should sit and watch.
movita: Isa, it's not special when it's on EVERY day.
Isa: Raaaach! The World's Biggest, Fattest Fat Loser Person Show is on. Sit and watch with me!
movita: Again, I think it's called, The Biggest Loser.
Isa: The World's Biggest, Fat, Fat, Fat American Losers is on. Today is all about couples. Fat couples.
movita: I don't think we're supposed to talk about this.
Isa: Raaaaach! Maury is doing a special on paternity today.
movita: A DNA special?
Isa: Oh, yes! It's a special!
Isa: Guess what's on!
movita: Are we still doing this?
When 2.0 goes away, someone has to look after ebony. You have to be very nice to ebony. Mostly because ebony will, in all likelihood, barf on something you like if you aren't. And because movita is very important and very busy, 2.0 stresses out about the quantity and quality of care ebony will receive whilst he is away.
movita has suggested that ebony come and stay with she, effie and niles, but 2.0 is convinced that ebony will kill either movita, effie or niles. He may have a point. One day, when sitting in 2.0's living room, ebony ran from one end of the apartment to the other, hissing and charging toward the patio door. movita was very scared. 2.0 said, "she just saw her reflection in the patio door and thought it was another cat." movita thought: yikes.
So, bearing this in mind, movita suggested yesterday that perhaps a back up plan might be The Rutherfords. ebony could come and stay with movita, effie and niles, and if things were going really badly, she could call The Rutherfords for assistance. They don't do much right, but it turns out they're great with cats. Cats like them. (Only cats like them.) So, movita figured if ebony really did try scratch her eyes out, she could call The Rutherfords and ask if they might be willing to give her (ebony) shelter for a couple of days.
2.0 paused for thought. And then said, "well, only if they wouldn't make fun of her."
movita thought (but didn't say out loud): because ebony's... fat?
"You know," he continued, "because Mrs. Rutherford made fun of my sled."
Oh. The sled. Of course. 2.0 is still mad about the sled.
Mrs. Rutherford and I discovered the sled October when checking in on ebony one day. movita was taking care of business in the laundry room and Mrs. Rutherford was in the living room.
Mrs. Rutherford: Raaaaaaach?
Mrs. Rutherford: Uh... what's this sled?
movita: What sled?
Mrs. Rutherford: 2.0 has a toll painted sled out here...
movita: (after engaging super speed mode to get to the living room) What the hell?
Mrs. Rutherford: Yah, look. It's a little sled.
movita: Where'd you find it?
Mrs. Rutherford: Here, by the couch.
movita: Beside the couch?
Mrs. Rutherford: Yah, tucked in here. It's sparkly.
movita: And it has snowmen! Why does he have it?
Mrs. Rutherford: I dunno. You haven't seen this before?
movita: Uh, no.
Mrs. Rutherford: Wow. It's so...
movita: Yah. Look we haven't been dating long. I... don't know what to say.
Naturally, movita had to ask 2.0 about the sled when he returned home from his trip. Naturally, she said it was only Mrs. Rutherford that was making fun of it.
movita: But WHERE did it come from?
2.0: Why? Don't you like it?
movita: Well that's not really the question at hand here. Why do you have it? Did your mother make it?
2.0: What if I made it?
movita: DID you make it?
movita: Oh. Did you... inherit it?
2.0: No. Maybe I just really like it. Don't you like it?
movita: Well, it's very small. It's not like you could ACTUALLY sled on it. And it hasn't really been on display, so it caught me by surprise. You are, after all, in the construction field. And you've never said anything about toll painting before. And it's October. Not December. And it kind of looks like a holiday decoration...
2.0: You don't like it.
movita: I didn't say that.
2.0: But Mrs. Rutherford was making fun of it?
movita: Yes. Yes, she was.
2.0: Well, I don't think I'm going to like her very much.
movita: Nope. You probably won't.
Fives months later, 2.0 now claims that the two sparkly snowmen on the sled are he and his son, 3.0.
This has not helped the situation.
And still no agreement on the cat.
The good news is that she is not blind. movita knows this because she can still see stuff and she had some special tests done on her eyes a couple of weeks ago. Apparently, the tests are commonly done on the middle aged. When the eye doctor mentioned this to movita, she found it necessary to point out to him that she is, "NOT middle aged. YOU are middle aged." He looked a little surprised to hear the news. movita guesses he couldn't figure this out on his own because he's middle aged and a man.
The bad news is that you might be middle aged.
Dining Etiquette:How To Eat Lobster
movita prepared for this year's competition for a few weeks. Mostly squats and the vigorous consumption of candy. movita hates that The Rutherfords beat her at everything, or rather, used to beat her at everything, and she was determined to defeat them this year. So she planned and planned, and she was more than ready for the big day when it finally arrived.
But something happened when she and 2.0 landed at The Rutherfords'. First off, 2.0 actually participated. movita isn't used to having a partner who actually participates, and she was a little... thrown. The plan got all messed up. Sketches and diagrams were abandoned, and order was thrown out the window. As the house neared completion movita got worried. The front yard looked a little... how do you say? Déchets blancs. As the final touches were being placed on the house, 2.0 indicated that he thought the only thing missing was a hood-less car propped up on cinder blocks in the front yard. (movita didn't find this helpful.) movita tried to look objectively at the house. She stepped back to admire the creation. As photos were taken, the lamp posts in the front yard began to lean to one side. The Christmas lights began to sag. Each section of the white picket fence leaned a different way. The ginger property was full of junk and slabs of masonry began to slide off the front of the house. And movita thought, he's right. 2.0 is right. And that car in the front yard? It was probably involved in a drive-by.
But guess what? Kids like crap. And so do their parents. And guess who judged the competition? Kids and their crap-lovin' parents (because once you have kids you lose most of your good taste and common sense). Photos of the houses were posted at a holiday party hosted by movita's employer (Mrs. Rutherford works there too), and the crap lovin' attendees adored movita's house. Like a bunch of white people watching Boyz in the Hood and then throwin' gang signs, they embraced the crack-house atmosphere of the property, and cast their votes it our favour.
The Rutherford house is okay too - if you like white, middle class suburbia. But movita lives in the hood now. She left suburbia a year ago. And she ain't goin' back.
movita recommends that you think a little about your own daddy today. Maybe, if you're lucky like movita, you've still got him around to squeeze and stuff. Sure, he probably isn't as awesome as movita's daddy, and sure, he probably didn't play baseball for the Blue Jays, but movita bets he's good at other stuff.
movita received this photo this morning. It's from The Otherfords. This is their cat, Grammar. Remember Grammar? The Otherfords let her eat off their plates. At first movita thought, ew, that cat is standing on a package of chicken. And then movita realized, no, that cat is standing on their cutting board. By an open jar of Nutella. Mr. Otherford calls the photo, Cat Enjoying Wholesome Snack in 1980's Kitchen. movita calls it, Holy Crap, Didn't The Otherfords Prepare Dinner For Me on That Cutting Board?
Loyal movita fans need not be reminded that movita has long feared that in the end, as she lies dead in her apartment (in a strangely beautiful pose), effie and niles will eat her face off, and then the wild dogs will come to tear her fragile body apart.
As a result, movita has decided that dating might not be such a bad thing after all.
Happy birthday, Hagley. I hope you get some tail.
Remember when movita was nice?
She's not anymore.
Blame the last dude she slept with.
March 11, 2008
Should Our Sucky Product* be stored in the refrigerator after opening? I only use a partial bottle/bowl.
August 26, 2008
Hi Rachel, (movita would like you to note that her name is spelled incorrectly)
You can store Our Sucky Product on the counter or in the fridge, depending on your pet’s preference for another day or so after opening. We usually hear the bottle is finished the next day, so refrigeration hasn’t been an issue. How is your pet responding to Our Sucky Product? Would you like to send us a comment?
August 28, 2008
Dear Mr. R.,
Thank you for replying to my email and answering my question. I guess my only comment would be: reply to customer inquiries in less than five months, and you’ll be making progress. I run a business myself, and have a turn around time of less than 48 hours on all emails.
August 29, 2008
Rachel, (movita would like you to note that her name is spelled incorrectly again)
I appreciate your comment. Perfection is elusive. One or two messages did slip through the cracks during our first days.
August 30, 2008
If by first days you mean first five months, I can only assume the crack was massive. You're right, perfection is elusive. Guess what else is eluding me? My desire to buy your product again.
*not actual product name
movita has done some research. She has learned, for example that it is "... not recommended that you share your ice cream with your cat - her mouth may contain viruses and bacteria. That tongue may have been licking her bottom shortly before licking your ice cream."* Sick. movita wonders if Chad and Amy even do dishes... maybe they just let Grammar lick them clean and then stack 'em in the cupboard.
For a long time, movita's family has called Chad and Amy "The Other Rutherfords." Mostly because Chad and Amy like the outdoors and are gross (just like The Rutherfords). movita has always given Chad and Amy the benefit of the doubt. I mean, come on... nobody can be as bad as The Rutherfords. But then last night movita thought, hey, The Rutherfords live with a drooling cat. That's pretty gross. Kinda like having a cat that eats off your plate. And guess what else you can get from cats? WORMS. Remember when Mr. Rutherford ATE worms? And then movita was thinkin' that we should put The Rutherfords and The Other Rutherfords out on an island somewhere, you know, for the greater good. But then she remembered that they'd probably like that. Also, they all like paddle sports so they'd probably find their way back eventually. And then we'd be back to square one: cats eating off plates with dirty paws and people eating worms just for the hell of it.
* the messybeast.com
- to get it over with
- because the laundry room is quiet before 8 am
- because old people do their laundry early and movita prefers the company of seniors to people in her own age group
movita placed her laundry in the washing machines, and then returned to her apartment for her morning coffee. Thirty eight minutes later she returned to the laundry room. As she walked through the door she was hit with an overwhelming blast of... liquor. Gin and maybe... rye? Or homelessness. movita was almost knocked over by the imposing stench. What had happened in her absence?
Immediately, movita sniffed herself (just to be sure). She smelled awesome. As she began to transfer her washing into the dryers, Hot Laundry Room Guy walked into the room. Crap, movita thought, he's going to think that malodorous stank is coming from me.
"Gooood mooorning!" Hot Laundry Room Guy was kind of yelling at movita. "Hi," movita replied. Hot Laundry Room Guy started to whistle. And then movita noticed that the smell of drunk funk was getting really, really strong. Then Hot Laundry Room Guy went over to a counter and picked up a copy of Reader's Digest (Large Print Edition) and started reading out loud from it. He would punctuate the stories with, "Amazing!" Or, "that's super interesting!" (As an aside, most of the anecdotes he was reading aloud were neither amazing nor super interesting.)
Turns out Hot Laundry Room Guy is just Hot Drunk Guy. movita is kind of sad, because she spent a lot of time coming up with his original name, and now she'll have to get used to a new name. And guess what? The elevator, almost four hours later, still smells like Hot Laundry Room Guy.
I mean, Hot Drunk Guy.
Today, nature fell in love with movita. A butterfly (or maybe a moth) landed on movita's balcony and ate/did what ever it is that butterflies/moths eat/do. It was on movita's balcony for quite a while. movita even went out on the balcony to take a picture. Outside. With nature.
Unfortunately, as movita was taking a picture of nature, a spider crawled into her apartment through the open screen door. movita felt violated. The spider had complete disregard for movita's personal boundaries. What had she done to encourage this transgression? The spider was taking advantage, and movita is tired of being used. movita thought, really? I leave the screen open for one bleepin' second and in you go?
So, movita asked no questions when she saw effie, niles and thomas rutherford approaching the spider. She did not say, "hey, watch out... behind you," to the spider. She just walked away. Because sometimes shit happens.
Let that be a warning to you all.
This is my sister's dog. She's had him for a year now. She rescued him, and he rescued her. He's a racist. And he makes weird whale noises when he's playing. And, sure, sometimes he poops on your sister's nice beige Ikea rug, and she has to buy a new one, but I like him. I like him a lot. Hear that, Sergeant Lucas McSnuggles? I like you a lot. And I don't care if Hagley told me I'm not allowed to call you that. Happy anniversary. Or is it happy ownerversary?
assface: Okay, did you just see THAT?
movita: Yah, that kid was amaze... wait. What are you watching?
assface: Dog the Bounty Hunter.
assface: Hey, you fell for it again.
movita: Seriously. I really hate you. Aren't you on vacation? Where are you?
movita: You called from London, Ontario with the same crappy joke?
movita: What's that I hear? Are you watching So You Think You Can Dance?
assface: Uh, my family is.
movita: At least I've had a positive influence on them.
movita: I really wish I had dated them instead of you.
assface: I know you do.
disclaimer: movita would not actually like to date anyone in assface's family. Bleck.
With the approaching visit, movita's thoughts sometimes turn to the man who was sucked out of her plane as she made her way to France in 2005. She assumes that he might be lost for good. Sometimes thoughts of him interrupt her sleep. The night whispers stories of the lost soul, penetrating movita's dreams, taking hold of her, setting her adrift in a sea of the imponderable. This man, the lost soul, was sitting next to movita as her plane departed from Montreal that cold December night. Once the plane had reached cruising altitude he went to the washroom, and didn't return. Ever. He didn't even come back for his things in the overhead compartment.
movita has long feared airplane washrooms, as she has always assumed that there was a high risk factor involved with their use (i.e. that you can be sucked out of the plane through the toilet). The lost traveller only confirmed her fear. movita often wonders what the people who were to meet him at his final destination must have been thinking. How long did they wait for him, his checked luggage retrieved from an empty baggage carousel endlessly churning before them? Hours? Days?
movita is glad that Lucy 2.0 wears diapers, and cautions Adopamop and Isa to refrain from using la tiolette sur la aeroplane.
As for her dearly departed co-traveler, movita would like his friends and family to know that he was very nicely dressed in a sweater with a button down oxford shirt underneath and soft cords which were neatly pressed.
movita has been hearing about The Plumber for about five years now. He is the best plumber Rosie Beaucoup has had since the late, great Mr. Arab (large shoes to fill). Rosie Beaucoup talks about The Plumber like he's her best friend. He can do no wrong. Rosie Beaucoup told movita that he looks like Charlie Sheen. She said that The Plumber was good and kind and very handy. She also told movita a couple of weeks ago that The Plumber was The One for movita. She said that she thought lightening would strike should movita actually meet The Plumber. That it was kismet. Meant to be. Destiny.
So, movita went for a sleep over at The Beaucoup's house to meet The Plumber. movita figured it was high time she put the issue to rest. Rosie Beaucoup was thrilled, as five years is a very long time to wait "for magic."
He arrived the next morning. He didn't look like Charlie Sheen, but movita isn't entirely convinced that Rosie Beaucoup knows who Charlie Sheen is. He was soft spoken and sweet. He was nice to Lucy the Dog, and would like to have a dog of his own one day. And he was nice to Daddy and Rosie Beaucoup. All very important things to movita.
And that's that. movita isn't exactly sure about what Rosie Beaucoup thought was going to happen. She's not very good at matchmaking. But this is what movita thinks Rosie Beaucoup might have envisioned:
The Plumber: Oh, hi, who are you?
movita: Rosie Beaucoup's daughter.
The Plumber: You are pretty.
movita: Thank you. You kind of look like Charlie Sheen.
The Plumber: Whoa, what was that?
The Plumber: How about coffee, drinks, dinner, a movie... for as long as we both shall live? *
movita: That would be nice.
* Because movita's pretty sure he would have memorized that line from You've Got Mail.
Assface: Did you just see that?
movita: Yah! That was a crazy routine! Holy crap!
Assface: (pausing) What?
movita: Wait... what? Are you watching So You Think You Can Dance?
Assface: No. Dog the Bounty Hunter.
movita: And you thought I'd be watching Dog the Bounty Hunter?
Assface: (giggles) Sure.
movita: This is why we broke up.
Assface: (still giggling)
movita: What happened on YOUR show?
Assface: Well, Dog was just leading a group prayer before going out on the hunt.
movita: Doesn't he do that on every show?
movita: And that was the exciting news you called to tell me about?
movita: Seriously, this is why we broke up.
When she burst through the end door of her hallway she couldn't see Hot Wheelchair Guy. She assumed that she had missed him as he came off the elevator and that he was safe and sound in his apartment. (This has happened in the past - the man is like a frickin' cat - and his apartment is right beside the elevators.) So, she continued to run at full tilt up the hall toward her apartment at the opposite end. Super Speed Mode was now fully engaged, and unfortunately, she was unable to slow down as Hot Wheelchair Guy slowly rolled off the elevator at the mid-point of the corridor. Impact was inevitable. As she tried to swerve and avoid collision, she launched her body off the right side of his chair, flipped through the air, and crashed into a wall. Imagine his surprise. Now imagine the loud sound her body made when it hit the wall.
And you know what? movita really didn't get a good look at him after all. She pretty much dropped tail and made a break for it. In fact, it probably would have been easier to ride up in the elevator with him, but that's only occurred to movita just now.
First off, it was a very hot evening, and movita can only assume that this contributed to the necessity of nudity. As she neared the intersection by her building, she could see someone running toward her. Initially, movita thought, "gee, who would wear a monotone, nude coloured outfit in public? Not flattering." Then, as the figure approached her, movita realized that it was not a nude coloured outfit at all. Relieved? Only for a moment. The man was naked and gaining speed. movita has been taught that she should never let ANYONE touch her in her bathing suit areas, so naturally she took measures to protect those zones immediately. Sadly, the same could not be said for the man-child.
As the man-child got even closer, movita could hear voices to her right. On the roof of an adjacent building stood about a dozen other man-children, in various stages of undress. They were yelling something about... what? movita couldn't quite decipher the chants.
movita now stood face to face with the naked man-child. He was barely able to speak due to an extreme state of inebriation and/or lack of cardiovascular endurance. He grabbed movita by the shoulders and locked eyes with her. movita met his eyes and immediately knew what he was thinking: running a city block naked without shoes is not a good idea; nor is forgetting one's keys.
That's when movita looked back over to the man-boys on the roof. They were holding his keys in the air and doing some sort of primeval dance. And movita thought, "I'm really glad I got to see this." Because she was. And then she thought, "this is a really good reason to avoid dating men in their 20's."
- Bay Streeter - he stole movita's Joy of Cooking book, so he's obviously a prick
- Russian Belt Buckle Guy - because when he tried to kiss movita, she dove Walker-Texas-Ranger-Style onto the floor and then rolled toward the nearest exit
- Guy with Dog I Liked More Than Him - because movita liked his dog more than him
- Alcoholic IRA Guy - probably into assassinations (and definitely into Guinness)
- Man with Lady Caboose - a very suspicious man indeed, and if asked, movita would advise him to never wear pleated khakis again
- Flight Instructor - because movita hated his mini-van and clogs and refused to ride his hog (interpret that any way you like)
- Sir Sobsalot - because movita dissed his pansy ass (bloody cry baby), and dumped him hardcore
- Any MEC Employee - for obvious reasons
*made for each other
movita loves her daddy. And movita doesn't like to brag, but she's pretty sure her dad is cooler than yours. And guess what? movita just found out that her dad is really a cowboy. This makes sense to movita, as when she was a child she remembers thinking that her dad was really good at making Kraft Dinner and baked beans from a can (classic cowboy eats).
Now, movita hasn't seen her dad wearing chaps or bandannas, but damn, he was good at herding us kids - and Hagley's a slippery one. Also, in the tradition of horse whispering, movita sometimes sees him whispering stuff to Lucy the Dog. I can't tell if she understands him, but she doesn't run away or nuthin'. I'd bet ten bucks that he's gonna want to take part in some sort of cattle drive today, and twenty bucks says Rosie Beaucoup will say, "no, you'll fall and crack your head open." She's a real bronco-buster.
movita was confused. And now movita is very concerned about her running form. Mostly because the "good for you" was the kind you expect to hear at the Olympics for... you know... people facing challenges and adversity in their lives. Or the kind of "good for you" reserved for that lady on tv that has to be lifted by a crane from her house because she's so obese, and then learns to walk again. The "good for you" was accompanied by a fist pump in the air. And it was yelled very loudly - loudly enough to stop a number of people in their tracks to watch movita run by. And as she rounded the corner she could hear a, "you go girl" in the distance.
movita has asked some of her students to watch her run. No one has told movita (to her face) that she runs like someone facing great mental or physical adversities, however movita remains worried.
This is almost as bad as when Mr. Rutherford thought movita was a boy.
Actual photos of Grasshopper saving the world.
- movita and Sweetpea are way cooler than the original Rutherfords
- Sweetpea has not been outdoors at all for the past nine months
- Sweetpea will probably enjoy spending time with movita far more than with Mr. and Mrs. Rutherford (movita has found this to be the case for quite some time)
- Sweetpea doesn't run well
- Sweetpea doesn't have a bike
- Sweetpea doesn't play sports
- Sweetpea doesn't camp
BFF - male
Friends, last names starting with: I, Q, U, V, X
Running Coach - should not make fun of movita or chase her
Inappropriate Friend - male/female
Inappropriate Lover - male, straight
Cat Sitter - casual position
Gym Nemesis - position filled May 2008
Your details/initial application information should include: your name, position you are applying for, qualifications, kiss-ass bullshit. Please post application information and c.v./resume highlights in the comments section. You will be contacted to provide further details should movita find you to be remotely interesting.
colleague: So, are you still with your guy?
movita: Uh, no. We broke up over the holidays. It was the bomb.
colleague: That's okay. Summer's coming.
colleague: That's when people meet. In the summer. On patios.
movita: I'm sure people meet in the winter.
colleague: Not nearly as often as they do in the summer.
movita: I'd like to see the statistics on that.
colleague: 3% of couples meet on airplanes and then get married.
movita: That can't be true.
colleague: Have you ever been seated next to a hot guy on a plane?
colleague: See? You could have married one of 'em.
movita: But I didn't.
colleague: But you COULD have.
movita: Okay, but wouldn't that mean that out of all of the Marrieds I know, that 3% would have met on planes?
movita: No. I don't know any couples who met on a plane.
colleague: I'm just saying.
movita: Saying what?
colleague: You could meet a guy on a patio this summer.
movita: Oh, for heaven's sake...
movita has updated her to do list (prior to death). movita is open to suggestions concerning additions and/or amendments.
- learn to play new musical instrument
- learn to fly kite
- knit sweater
- new york - december 2006
- learn to use self-serve gas pump
- learn to snap
- take art class
- see real, live fireflies
- buy house/living space/box
- learn to tap dance
- take ballroom (again) and actually learn something
- see real, live seahorse
- learn calligraphy
- learn to whistle
- learn to drive standard
- open dance studio
- europe - december 2005
- learn to skate
- skate at Nathan Phillips Square
- learn to belch - removed from list in may 2008 as attempts have proven to be too painful
- see real, live flying squirrel
- attend Kingston Steer BBQ and Village Fair
- skate at Rockefeller Center
(updated may 15, 2008)
WOULD YOU MARRY ME? I've done it before. I'm real good at it.
Obviously, movita must weigh her options, but as this is the only proposal she has received thus far, Grasshopper has a pretty good chance of marrying movita in the very near future. movita must first be sure that he is serious, and then be sure no one else is interested. movita will, of course, update you as necessary.
movita has come to the conclusion that she would be very good at marriage. If you know someone who would like to marry movita please contact her at email@example.com.